Good morning. This morning, I believe that we are going to address an issue that we all deal with on a regular basis.
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between being irritated and being angry?” The father replied, “Well honey, it is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered, “Sorry, you have the wrong number. There is no one living here named Melvin.”
“See honey, that man was very polite in his response. Now watch…” The father dialed the same number a second time. “Hello, is Melvin there?” To which the man replied, “You just called here, and I told you that Melvin does not live here. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them.”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. He was probably irritated with us. Now watch....”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply.
“You have called this number twice and I have already told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” About that time, the receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now, I’ll show you what being really angry means.” He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!” The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me today?”
Well, we all face anger, most of us every day, from all sorts of causes. Perhaps it is in the form of rush-hour traffic, maybe it is long lines at Wal-Mart, failure of a mechanical device that was designed for our “convenience,” or maybe it is someone that we are dealing with that is causing us to become angry.
A few years ago, the American Medical Association released the results of an interesting study about teenage anger. The study was conducted at the University of Texas Health And Science Center in Houston. It found that teenagers, who don’t manage their anger, are at a higher risk for health problems than those who do manage their anger. The study also concluded that regardless of whether teens mismanaged anger by suppressing their feelings of anger, or went to the other extreme and simply lost their temper, either way they were at a higher risk of health problems.
We have known for some time that physical problems like ulcers, high blood pressure, possible strokes, and depression are often associated with anger. Recent studies have added one more problem to that list. Studies show that unmanaged anger can also bring into our lives the problem of weight gain.
But, aside from physical problem, anger, when dealt with in an inappropriate manner, can have some other problems as well. If you have your Bibles with you, go ahead and turn with me to Ephesians 4:26-27.
Here in this passage, Paul is addressing the issue of anger, and the role that it should and should not play in our lives. Take a look at that passage with me. Again, that passage is Ephesians 4:26-27, and it says, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Everyone gets angry. If we are human, then we all get angry from time to time. But, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…” That is the problem. Most times, our anger leads us to sin.
In a biography of the life of Mikey Mantle there is a story told about a hunting trip that Mikey and Billy Martin took together in the off season in the early 60’s. Mikey Mantle was known as much for his bad habits as he was for his home run power. Mikey hit hard, played hard, drank hard, and when Mikey got angry, it was said that he burned hotter than most anyone and was capable of anything during his fits of anger.
On this particular hunting trip the “Mick” and Billy Martin traveled to upstate New York to hunt deer on the farm of a friend of Mikey’s. Upon arriving at his friend’s farm, Mikey left the truck to notify the friend that they would be hunting on his farm that day. The friend agreed but asked Mikey to do a favor for him. The friend had an old mule that was very sick and the friend wanted to put the poor animal out of his misery but didn’t have the heart to do it so he asked Mikey if he would stop at the barn down the road and “put him down” for him.
Mikey agreed but thought he would play a practical joke on Billie Martin as well as do a favor for a friend. Mikey stormed out of the house, jumped in the truck, hurled a few expletives at the man and told Billie that the man had refused to let them hunt. As they drove past the barn, Mikey stated, “I’ll show him. I’m going to go in that barn and shoot his favorite mule; you can’t do this to Mikey Mantle and Billie Martin.” He threw the truck into reverse and skidded to a stop in the barn yard road. Mikey strutted into the barn, leveled his gun at the mule and “blam”, shot the animal dead.
As Mikey is checking to make sure the mule is dead, he hears 2 more gun shots from the barn yard. He ran out to find Billie Martin outside the truck with his rifle against his shoulder. Mikey asked, “Martin, What are you doing?” Martin yelled back, “We’ll show that guy, I just shot 2 of his cows.”
One might wonder how Martin could get caught up in a practical joke to that degree.
But, apparently he had seen Mikey do some things in anger and thought that he was capable of getting angry enough and losing control enough to shoot a friend’s mule dead.
Have you ever shot any mules? Are you capable of shooting mules? Have others seen a side of you that would lead them to believe that you are capable of such fits of anger?
Well, in our text today, we don’t see anyone going off and shooting any mules or cows, but we do see a Bible character who throws a fit and displays some anger. Today, we are going to take a look at David. Now remember, David, was a man that was described by God as, “…a man after my own heart…” Yet David had a problem with anger. Our story for today comes from the 25th chapter of I Samuel.
It is in that chapter that we pick up with David and his band of misfits, people who were described in I Samuel chapter 22 as people in trouble, in debt, or bitter about life. Anyway, David and this group of people set up camp in the wilderness, in an area where raising sheep was the main industry if you will.
Sheep farming tended to be a dangerous business in those days. Groups of people would suddenly overrun an area, attack the employees of the sheep farm, steal livestock, and assault small villages. So owners of the sheep farms would hire someone to protect their employees and their sheep herd. Sort of like hiring a security company. David was an experienced sheep farmer himself and an experienced military man, so he and his band of men worked to protect a flock of sheep and the shepherds that tended to the sheep that were owned by a man named Nabal.
Nabal was described by the writer of I Samuel as a “…very rich man, who was harsh and mean.” This guy was a ruthless business owner, profit was all he cared about. According to the customs of that day, at the time the sheep were sheared, it was common for the owner of the animals to set aside a portion of the profit he made and give it to those who had protected the shepherds and the sheep.
David and his men had been faithfully watching out for the flock of Nabal, and when payday arrived David sent his men to collect his fee for protecting the flock. And that is when a problem arose. Nabal was a stingy man and he refused to pay up. David, of course, became enraged and he gathered his men together, they armed themselves and started journeying to Nabal’s home. In his anger, David planned to kill Nabal and any of his men who resisted.
Word of this business deal gone sour reached the ears of Nabal’s wife, Abigail. She was described in I Samuel chapter 25 as a sensible and beautiful woman. When she hears what is going on, she gathers up a bunch of food, as described in verse 18, and sets out to go and meet David.
And in I Samuel 25:21-22 it gives us some insight into what’s going on inside of David right now. In I Samuel 25:21-22 it says, “David had just said, “It’s been useless, all my watching over this fellow’s property in the desert so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. My God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!”
Well, long story short, Abigail negotiates with David, calms him down, tells him that she knows her husband is a fool, even calls her husband a worthless person. She gets David to see that killing Nabal would be a black mark on his shining record.
David finally says to Abigail in verses 32-35, ““Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.” Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, “Go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request.””
When Abigail returned home, she told her husband Nabal what had occurred and how she prevented an attack by David and his men. At that, Nabal had a heart attack and 10 days later died. David then proposes to Abigail and marries her.
So, this morning I want to talk about anger and learning how to control it when someone does something to you that makes you so mad. David’s anger almost led him to murder. Other people in the Bible allowed their anger to lead to murder. So, how do you deal with anger?
After spending 3 ½ hours enduring the long lines, rude clerks, and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a man stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought his selection, a baseball bat to the cash register. “Will that be cash or charge?” the clerk asked. “Cash!” the man snapped back. Then apologizing for his rudeness he explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon and the motor vehicle bureau.” The clerk sweetly asked, “Shall I gift wrap the bat or are you going back there?”
You know what, we laugh, but we all lose our temper, we all get angry. In fact, one study has shown that the average man loses his temper 6 times a week. The average woman only loses her temper 3 times a week. Women get angry more often at people, but men more often get angry at things. Single adults express anger twice as often as married adults. Men are more physical with their anger than women tend to be. You are more likely to express anger at home than anywhere else. And anger is most frequent and intense towards those we love, not towards strangers.
Proverbs 16:32 says, “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.”
The fact is, we all get angry, but in different ways. Anger is a very normal human reaction. Jesus got angry, and then He turned over the tables in the Temple. In the Old Testament it says 375 times that God got angry. We already read in the Bible where it told us, “In your anger do not sin.”
There’s a right way and a wrong way to get angry. There’s a harmful way and a helpful way. The issue today is not how can I get rid of all my anger, but how can I express it in non-destructive ways? How can I get angry, and not sin?
Now, having said all of that, there are a couple of ways that we tend to express our anger, both of which are destructive, and can lead to sin.
Number 1: We Explode!
This person is like the Incredible Hulk. When they get angry, they blow up, they become something that they don’t want to be. This person is a walking time bomb, out of control. When they get angry they let it fly, they throw things, they curse, they yell, they stomp up and down, they throw a real fit. This is the way David expressed his anger with Nabal. When Nabal wouldn’t pay David and his men what they were owed, David exploded.
In some cases, this type of person immediately regrets their anger. They’re embarrassed, they regret what they’ve said and what they’ve done. They apologize. They’re ashamed.
Tommy Volt is a professional golfer. One time he was doing a pro clinic and he had his 10 year old son with him. He thought he’d show off a bit, so he said, “Hey, son, show them what I’ve taught you.” With that, his son pulled out a 9 iron and tossed it at the sky as he let a few choice words fly from his mouth.
You know what, people see how we react to anger. And more often than not, when a person allows anger to explode, they do things that they aren’t too proud of. Thing that if they had given much thought to, they probably wouldn’t have done.
Now, that is acting in anger to one extreme. Now let’s take a look at the other extreme that some go to.
Number 2: We Bottle It Up!
This person holds it in, clams up instead of blowing up. They try not to reveal what it is that they are feeling. They deny their anger. They pretend they aren’t mad. They will not admit that they’re angry. They conceal how they are really feeling.
This person is susceptible to high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches, backaches, and all kinds of other physical ailments. All kinds of illnesses can be traced to bottled up anger. In fact, there is a doctor that has written a book titled, None Of These Diseases. In that book, he listed 51 types of illnesses that can be caused by bottled up anger, being emotionally upset and holding it in.
A good example from scripture of this kind of anger management would be Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. In Jeremiah 15:17-18 it says, “I never sat in the company of revelers, never made merry with them, I sat alone because your hand was on me and you had filled me with indignation. Why is my pain unending and my wound grievous and incurable?”
In other words, what is being said is, “I filled myself with anger. “Why do I keep on suffering? Why are my wounds incurable? Why won’t they heal?” I’m holding it all in and it’s killing me!”
So, we have the 2 extremes, and most of us deal with our anger in 1 of those 2 extremes. But now, let’s take a look and see if we can’t find a better way to deal with our anger.
At this time, let’s take a look at how to diffuse our anger properly.
Number 1: Understand Why You Get Angry.
Typically there are 3 common causes of anger.
1. When we hurt. A lot of times hurt causes anger. When I am physically hurt or emotionally hurt. If you hit your thumb with a hammer you get angry. When I hurt I get angry. David was hurting. His mentor, the man who had anointed him to be the next king of Israel, the man who had given him such wonderful advice had died. I Samuel 25:1 tells us that Samuel died, and all Israel gathered to mourn for him. as they buried him at his home. Samuel had died, and David was hurting.
2. We hurt when we are frustrated. When nothing seems to work, when things don’t go your way, when you’re forced to wait, when Murphy’s Law, which states that if anything can go wrong it will. When all of that is in effect, you get frustrated. You get angry. And that’s why there is so much road rage today. People are frustrated with the traffic and the amount of time that it takes to get places. There frustration leads to anger. Or you may be frustrated with where your life is at right now. Because you are frustrated, you are more prone to get angry quickly.
The other day I didn’t have much time but I decided to run into Wal-Mart to pick up a few things on the way home. Unfortunately 5 hundred other people had the same idea. That’s OK. I understand that. I quickly found my 3 or 4 items that I needed and rushed to the shortest line. But for some reason it wasn’t moving. Well, I thought, “That’s OK. Maybe the cashier has to do a price check. There, over there, is a line that seems to be moving along pretty good. I’ll just go to that line.” Can anybody identify with this story?
Anyway, I got into the line and immediately it stopped moving. The cashier was calling for a manager to do something to the cash register. I was standing there with a forced smile on my face. But inside I was climbing the walls. It would not have been a good time to step on my toe or bump into me. I was not a happy camper because I was frustrated.
3. We also get angry when we are physically exhausted. David had been on the run for several months, day after day. He was tired, he and his men were hungry. He probably hadn’t had a nice hot bath for quite some time. The guy was exhausted. And if you are anything like me, and I would guess that you are to some degree, but when I am tired, hungry, and physically spent, I can get angry pretty quickly.
So, we get angry usually because at least 1 of 3 things are at play. We are hurt, we are frustrated, or we are physically exhausted.
Number 2: We Learn That We Need To Be Slow To Express Your Anger.
In James 1:19 it says, “My dear brothers, take note of this, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
Don’t respond impulsively. Think it through first. Proverbs 29:11 tells us, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
One of the great remedies for anger is delay. The longer you hold your temper the more it improves. If you let it off immediately, it’s bad news! But if you give it a little time before you react, the better you will be able to react to it in a proper manner.
More importantly than the words that Abigail spoke to David, was the delay that Abigail caused by going to speak with David. That gave David some time to calm down. She was able to defuse the situation because she bought some time and time was able to do its part in calming David down.
Thomas Jefferson is the guy who said, “When you’re angry you count to 10. When you’re very angry, you count to 100.” And you know what, if you’re still angry you keep on counting. Anything you can do to delay, to defer immediate action, so that you can reflect before reacting will cause you to not vent your anger in an inappropriate way.
Whatever you were going to do initially, don’t do it. People who stay calm have much better insight.
When we get angry have you noticed that our mouth usually runs faster than our mind? When you get angry you need to put your mind in gear before you engage your mouth. David got mad so quick that he starts making all these threats and plans of how he is going to take Nabal’s life. Had he been slow to anger, he would have thought about what the consequences of killing Nabal would have been and he probably would have calmed himself down. Proverbs 13:16 says, “Sensible people always think before they act.”
Number 3: Watch Your Words.
In Proverbs 21:23 it says, “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”
Blowing up, shooting off at the mouth doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t do a whole lot of good. The problem is that words come very easily when we’re angry, when our adrenaline is running. When I get angry, I mean really angry, I can blow up and say things that I normally wouldn’t even think of.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We need to make sure that we watch our words when we are angry. Once you say something, you cannot take it back. As much as you try to make things better, you are unable to erase the words that have been spoken. So we need to watch out words.
Number 4: Learn To Relax.
In Proverbs 14:30 in the Living Bible it says, “A relaxed attitude lengthens a man’s life.” Have you ever noticed that when you’re uptight, you’re more prone to anger?
Well, that’s because temper and tension always go together. If you want to learn to reduce your anger, you need to relax. Deadlines tend to bring out the worst in us. They make us irritable. Some of you are wound so tightly that anything ticks you off. It’s week after week of tension and you’re wondering why you’re biting the head off your wife when you get home.
Know when you need to get away and relax and then somehow, someway, do that. Go golfing, fishing, take a walk on the beach, go for a run, go to a park and just chill out. Don’t underestimate the importance of relaxing when it comes to defusing your anger.
Number 5: Continually Ask God For Help.
The most important thing a person can do to get his or her anger or any other negative personality trait or any sinful habit under control is to bring the need before God. James tells us that we do not receive because we do not ask. If you find yourself blowing up a lot with anger, let me ask you this, how often do you go to God and ask Him for His help in overcoming your anger.
If you would get in the habit of spending 15-30 minutes a day reading God’s word and talking to God about the struggles in your life, you will discover how much strength you do have to control and defuse your anger.
If I take a tube of toothpaste and aim it and hit it real hard, toothpaste is going to come out. If I fill the tube with mayonnaise and hit and squeeze it, what’s going to come out? Mayonnaise. If I fill it with chili beans, what’s going to come out? Chili beans. The point is this, whatever is inside is going to come out when it’s squeezed.
And that is true with people as well. When the world puts pressure on you, whatever it is that is inside of you will come out. If you are spending quality time with God, then the results of that squeezing will be appropriate reactions. But if you are lacking in that area of life, then there is no surprise that when you are squeezed that anger begins to show its ugly face.
The Bible says that it is, “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” How are you doing in this area? Do you need a little bit more help this week with dealing with your anger?
Would you make a choice today? Would you say by God’s grace I’m going to stop those old patterns of anger? You see, it is a choice. You can control it if you want to. But the fact is, you haven’t wanted to. It feels good to get angry. But even though it feels good, it is very self destructive at the same time.
Once Abigail calmed David down, he realized how blessed by God he had been to have Abigail intervene. In I Samuel 25:33 he says to Abigail, “My you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands.” In other words, he’s saying to her, “Hey Abigail, thanks for keeping me from acting on my anger.”
So, as we close this morning, if you are struggling with anger, and you are unable to express it in an appropriate way, then take note of what we have looked at today. It is not good to be at either extreme, blowing up, or bottling it up inside. The best way to deal with anger is to understand why you get angry, be slow to express your anger, watch your words, learn to relax, and most importantly, continually ask God for help.
Let’s Pray!
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